KELLY BEANE

I am going to keep it real here.  I’ve wanted to share this for a while, but I guess I wasn’t ready till now.  So here goes…

Thursday July 22nd my Papa passed from a battle with cancer.  He was diagnosed roughly a year before, but the months leading up we were informed that the treatments were not working and the results were looking grim.  You see, I knew he was sick, but in my mind I don’t think I had really accepted it.  It wasn’t until his turn for the worse that I really came to grips with the whole situation.  And still when I think back on that time I know that in my own head I somewhat tried to ignore the reality.  So when it came to those last few weeks of knowing that death was unavoidable I fell apart inside.  I knew he would be saved from his pain and suffering, but the whole sickness was such a roller coaster, I wasn’t quite ready yet.  It was something I didn’t talk about too much, which some might think is terrible, but I just wasn’t there yet.  I guess we all have our own ways of dealing with life’s trials, and in this situation I really don’t think I handled it too well.  I know now it’s something I’ve learned about myself and I press on to grow.

So, I remember that Thursday when I got the call from my Dad.  We were unloading the kids from the car to head into Mazzio’s for a quick lunch.  I saw his number pop up on my phone and my heart sank.  I just knew this was it.  After that conversation, I walked inside, as my family had left me behind not realizing and ordered our food.  I sat at our table in the corner and seriously cried the whole time.  I don’t even know why I chose to stay there and honestly am a little embarrassed thinking of how I must have looked bawling in the corner of Mazzio’s trying to consume even a few bites of pizza.  It was ridiculous really.  Sometimes I think I’m so tough and I don’t know why I don’t just give it up.  My Mom called me that night to discuss the funeral plans.  Because my Papa was somewhat expected to pass soon the funeral arrangements were already taking place.  I knew in my gut I wasn’t going to be able to attend.  They scheduled to hold the service the following Saturday, July 24th, which was my only date in July to photograph a wedding.  This was one of the most difficult experiences for me.  My Papa was gone.  And I wasn’t going to be able to be there to honor him.  To be with my family, hold their hands, share tears and memories and love.  I almost couldn’t believe it had happened like this, not in a selfish way, it was just a lot to take in.  And I remember my Mom specifically said to me, “You know Papa would want you out there doing what you love and supporting your family.”  And I did know this, but still, to not be there was hard.  You see my Papa was one of the most hard working men I knew.  Seriously morning till night.  He was a passionate and caring and understanding man.  He knew how very much I loved him and that I didn’t have to prove that by being at his funeral.  I think sometimes we, as humans, get caught up in the show of things, and I just had to let go.  The Monday before I got to spend the day with him.  I sat by his side and rubbed his fragile arms gently as he slept.  We had short conversation when he felt up to it, but really we had a peaceful time just being together.  And that’s really what it’s all about.  I did get to attend the family visit and dinner Friday night, and was thankful for the those moments shared with family.  But more so, I was able to be with my Papa during his last days of life.  I got to hold his hand, and hear his voice, and be in his presence, and I will forever be grateful for those last moments with him.

So I shot the wedding Saturday and thankfully it was for a dear friend of mine.  The day was fabulous and I will share photos from it in a few days, but here’s a sneak peek until then.

Randomness:  Live on the Plaza is tonight and Norman is hosting it’s County Fair.  There is plenty to get out and about and do this weekend, and I hope you all have an awesome one!  ♥ Kelly